The Legend :
Made one inter county wintery league substituted appearance back in 1978 and has been a regular full back on the club team, since then after having acquired golden experience and regularly deferred to as the Club expert on any scenario on the field. Wears supports on both knees, both wrists,both elbows, has no teeth left from horrendous off the ball incident involving priest at wing back on opposite team.
Completely grey from shock of farming accident 15 years prior. Wears size 8 boot which are very small feet to carry considerable girth of a man his age and width consequently has dreadful difficulty staying on his feet but can always be relied upon to drag his man down inside the square. Unbeatable on a high pulling ball and under a dropping ball has been known to ruin many a hurling career, sex life and marriage prospects of many's the young hurler. Level head on the team and can always be called upon to make a passionate call on the annual first and only round of the championship what it means to wear the colours
of the parish and fellas that are years younger than him retired long ago just because they don't understand the Pride at which point he breaks down. Wants to die on the hurling field only problem is he seems to ensure it happens to many's the hurler who comes or pulls across him. The Legend !

The Doctor:
Regular supporter generally retired ended up holding the medical kit one day and ever since the lads have called him the Doctor. Well versed on psychology that applies in serious medical emergencies on the field in fact his most recent comment upon viewing the broken leg of one of the star hurlers was "Jesus his leg is f***ed lads !". Has been known to light up cigarette for player while tending to his injuries and is especially well versed at herbal remedies for wounds liberally applying distilled potatoes from a barrel to a muscle wound with the caveat 'Don't waste it'. Generally complements his medical knowledge with detailed recollections of even the most mundane club encounters of the previous 20 years. Club allocates 50 pounds a year to his budget for medical seminars run by the county board amounting 850 pounds of club service and as many pints that have been bought in the seminar's stead. Generally is a pipe smoker and his smell of tobaccolingers long after him in the dressing room.

The Athlete:
Generally hailing from sports mecca of Limerick this all rounder seems to have reached zenith of sports career no matter what he turns his hand to. Took up hurling at 16 years old and made the minor county team two years later pissing off a lot of fellas who had been hurling since they were born stick in hand. He is the one lad everyone loves hopping off at training and generally sustains a lot of finger and hand injuries during training. Generally remains clean even during winter running and his kit bag is never O Neills , always Umbro , Man United or Canterbury. Never drinks with the lads in the Club and if he does it's a rock shandy or Lucozade Sport. Generally a sad individual despite the fact his girlfriend  is a model, lads have no time for him as he will never take on 7 brothers from Ballybrown for one of his own men. Bad Egg !!

The Timber Merchant:
Wheeled out of the pub for the start of winter hurling where the sliotar drops dead in the Square and the last man standing tends to be the Timber Merchant. Every Club has one as before the start of any game when fellas are giving their spare hurleys to someone to carry for them, it takes one man alone to carry the sticks for the timber merchant. Loves the throw in ball and has been known to run full lenght of the field for a throw in which he wins but hurley flies into smithereens.Tends to be well known among all the local clubs and generally the standard against which aspiring hard men judge themselves. Walks with the cocky gait of a gladiator on the field, his girlfriend/wife tends to be 'a brewtal looking wan' who looks as if she was dragged through the Liffey backwards and hit a few bunkers along the way. She generally tends to be the boss in the relationship , she is actually affectionately known as the Corner back (more details later). Timber Merchant generally retires early with major arthritis but his two sons are carrying on the family tradition having already been sent off and banned twice from 14 and u 16 championships.Dad is their hero.

The Keeper:
Vies with the legend in terms of team appearances and sometimes longevity, emotionally attached to his many collections of hurleys and needs at least two young fellas to carry out his hurleys at the start of a game as he has so many. Has stick for every weather type and usually has a maggoty towel of great sentimental value that he uses to dry the hurleys. Was excused from regular physical training at the age of 22 because he was finding it so difficult consequently now weighs 17 and a half stone, can drink 22
pints in one sitting, is looking to retire this year even though he is just turning 26. Possesses ferocious vocabulary and can often be heard spewing vitriol during a game , and that is only at his own team. Doesn't believe he deserves criticism levelled at him during a game after letting in his fifth goal ( 4 of which scuttered under his hurley),blaming the full back line for being 45 yards off their men after collectively thundering out to pull on a ball and miss it . G'wan Chunga !!! Has an effortless stroke and wins the Puc Fada every year in the parish but never lifts his gameat inter county puc fada as he can't stay off the drink. His brother knownas 'The Drinker.' (see below)

The Drinker :
Would without doubt be the best county minor ever produced by the club except for the fact as a prodigius under 14 talent was given a celebratory pint by The Doctor (see above) after winning the first round of the 14 championship and it was downhill from there. Progressed from putting sugar in his Guinness to skulling half pints of Bulmers in the showers before the game. Can be regularly seen puking in the changing room toilets at half time, flashes of brilliance produced once a year for a few minutes
enough to warrant the three old men on the sidelines to mourn the loss of talent in a youth such as him. Club in the light of his behaviour reviews their drink policy and radically alters it so that only Under 15 hurlers and upwards are allowed pints on the day of a match, upper limit set at 8 pints,only allowed cider and vodka, no whiskey allowed to under 16's. Had to be dragged from the local at 4am the night before the county final, eyes red in photo, scored 1-6 from play , went on a two month bender after the win, wrote off three family cars , needs to be collected for every game .Great talent.

Three Old Men:
Living vicariously through the current crop of youngsters. They attend with diligence every club game from street leaguesto senior. Hurlers on the Ditch they recall with pride the battles they fought for the parish
in their days and one of them knocks with glee on the metal plate in his skull inserted after a vicious game, though he played on the full game ,busted open as wide as the Hoors Gait ! Not known as great supporters of the more graceful style of hurler in the club, three man fan club of 'the legend' and 'the timber merchant'. Tweed caps badly need replacing,cigarette butt almost attached cutaneously to the lower lip,two carry bad hips from ferocious games of their youth, and one has ashortened leg as a result
of a kick from a ******* when younger though rumour has it got was from his brother over a woman who left them both at the tender age of 28 for a midfielder in the next parish. Hasn't spoken to the brother since but managed to end career of other parish's midfielder with a flourish...'But, The ball was there ref"

The Corner Back :
At first glance this name would elicit the notion of a player on the team,however this is in fact the affectionate pet name for the Lady of the team. Currently engaged for 9 years to the Timber Merchant her own history is as long and varied as the club's. A great supporter of the senior hurling team a spin with the corner back was as necessary as a game of junior hurling for any u-16 youth wanting to be blooded for senior hurling. A very supportive young lady she has had flings with the entire full back line,half back line, midfield pairing of three years ago and 4 of the forwards,the other two having retired 7 years ago though rumour has it she was a great supporter of them too. Her name constantly appears in the
changing room banter all the lads slagging each other about her and how they would never go there yet upon reviewing college hurling team newsletter her name appears as "Corner Back Mark 2 , corner back mark 4,corner back 7, "and so on. Eventually settled for the raw charm of The Timber Merchant ,likes
her men, -ahem!- hard and loves to boast about her fella cutting the head off the opposition. Has been known to stray after 17 pints of cider and gives a rousing rendition of 'Sean South' after every championship. A great girl altogether,also regular full back on the ladies camogie team, football team, long puck champion 23 years running assuming the title after her Mother retired , herself a virgin like her Mother before her.

The Coach:
Bitter about his unsuccessful inter county career he embarks on a mission to bring his crew of 19 ,desperate hurlers from U-15 ranks to senior inter county champions in three years. His loyalty to the
Club is unquestionable, his red with white stripe O'Neills cotton tracksuit can beseen as the solitary figure cutting grass of a saturday morning at 8am in advance of that afternoon's league game. His passion is unquenchable he finds it hard not to get frustrated at the lackadaisical attitude of some Under 13's. Guaranteed to fall out with Club executive committee over some of his training practices, expects complete infallability and loyalty,generally loses 3 - 5 players during the year through rows about their
attendance. His car tends to be a Ford Capri or Ford Cortina, or indeed has a Honda 30. Guaranteed to have 122 - 150 hurleys of all sizes in the boot,replete with sliotars, bottles, deep heat, umbrellas, damp anoraks,odd football boots, steel toe capped boots, mars bars, hats, flags, caps, two helmets,nets, two bags of filthy smelley jerseys, , 1982 version of Limerick Leader July 2nd and Sindo of 1988. Great Club man, but bitter, bitter , bitter.

The Commmiitttteee:
A plethora of 'Characters' with a collective hurling experience in terms of years of 383.Matches collective waist size in terms of inches.Meet every tuesday night and discuss deplorable standard of hurling in the
club, blame soccer, rugby and The Spice Girls. Decide to remove cider from Club bar as too many lads have psychotic episodes with same, cagey about new committee member of 28 years of age, slow to change, ruthless in political manoevrings, utmost respect for the county board though the *******s
didn't change our Junior B final even though we had three girls and three lads in the Scór finals. Struggle with the accounts and often reply that things have always been done that way. Strictly adhere to committee rules and procedures, everything must go 'through the Chair' and minutes are minutely recorded and scrutinised. Due to age of Committee large amount of Club budget goes on purchasing Mass cards for recently deceased member of opposing hurling teams of old, ar dheis Dé....

The Ladies Committee
Great for sandwiches and tea after the big games always bring finer touch to Club noting that ashtrays should never be left full in the bar.Often the flirting going on between committee members and ladies committee is horrendous especially as most of them are married to one another.Fairly liberal users of bad langauge; have been known to question the lineage of many's the referee in their day. Very suspicious of new ladies wanting to help out and generally politely refuse offers of help throughout the
year. Mother of keeper, full back , and timber merchant on the committee.

Back to GAA Funnies

50 Culchie Commandments

01 - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02 - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03 - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch talking.
04 - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05 - Thou shalt think Richie Kavanagh is fierce funny, and have all his records on your mantelpiece at home
06 - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
07 - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."
08 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09 - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.
10 - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all vehicles.
11 - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12 - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin cattle.
13 - Thine sons shall play GAA.
14 - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15 - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16 - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin' Cabbages and the Corncrake.
17 - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."
18 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA matches.
19 - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."
20 - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21 - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.
22 - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.
23 - Thou shalt not visit Dublin [except to Croker and to bring the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ].
24 - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.
25 - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.
26 - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27 - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
28 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29 - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30 - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31 - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."
32 - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin' upstairs."
33 - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34 - Thou shalt drown cats.
35 - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36 - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when tramping silage.
37 - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
38 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39 - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40 - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.
41 - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42 - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43 - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap
44 - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
45 - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure shite" at every given opportunity.
46 - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.
47 - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
48 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49 - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."
50 - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process

Back to GAA Funnies

The catechism of GAA cliches

Of what is the club the cornerstone?
The entire association.

What prefix is invariably associated with the weaker counties?
So-called

Of what is there non of that young fella at wing-forward?
Fear

But what incorporeal part of him would a good scelp to the head soften?
His cough

With what could his team-mate in the corner not hit a cow's arse at five paces?
A banjo

With what was the man inside him thick last night, a situation consequently hampering his performance today?
The drink

How much short of a tramp is that referee?
Nothing

And what does he need to get checked pronto?
His glasses

What would that big horse of a man at midfield do to a brick wall for you?
Go through it

Because he is built like wjat other sort od brick structure?
A sit-house

In what direction will this selfless fellow bust the play, to the advantage of his team-mates?
Up

What is the most desired quality of a corner back?
Stickiness

And a half-back?
Knackiness

And a midfielder?
A great engine

And a half-forward?
The propensity to take flight

And a corner-forward?
Deadliness

off what is the dressing-room door normally left hanging?
The hinges

off what do craggy old full-backs deliver the majority of digs to their markers?
The ball

By what term is this sort of happening usually referred to?
An incident

What part of the team's individual bodies had the trainer run off them the other night?
The legs

Because he is a what for the physical stuff?
Savage

Back to GAA Funnies

Five reasons why we love the championship